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Youngman, Henry

  • I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  • I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  • What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

  • When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

  • A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

  • A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

  • A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"